Extra material

two important section to be written: Annie at the hotel - dog-sitting during a black out at 440 w 34th st.======= You can probably have a picture of the frustration and anger that kept building up in me -- It led me to imagine, as i left the Port Authority and emerged into the streets of New York, seeing the backs of various young women as they shuffled to their various places of business, shooting them with a weapon in the back as they made their way. Was I psychotic? I think there was a time, even before my brain injury, when I would visualize how I would incapacitate somebody immediately after I met them, perhaps that was a form of psychosis? All I know is that I spent most of my day in the grip of fear, fear and overwhelming sexual desire that left me feeling choked-off at the soul.======== Why didn't I stay with Debra Mandlebaum if sex was what I desired? She certainly made herself sexually available and, truly, she sought to please me each time I was with her - and she was always available during the time I knew her. Was it that she was Jewish? The truth is, I was never satisfied, not with Mary Riccardi because I couldn't watch her get ready for a date and primp herself before the mirror, like I could with Ilana, who was from the Czech Republic. [add more] It took me back to how I had originally watched my mother get ready, put on her make-up and lipstick, etc. Ilana, when I told her about how I had met Mary, said to me, "You'll find out, she'll disappoint you. Beautiful women who wear a lot of make-up are never ready as quickly as I can get ready," which was true, she really could get ready to go out in ten minutes, much unlike Mary R., who had to go to the beauty parlor every Saturday without fail to get her hair done.======== How I wanted a better woman each time, more beautiful, more feminine, a woman with a spirit that was actually a free spirit -- I looked for someone who was more well,connected, more politically involved, someone who offered me access to greater personalities and, most of all, potential materials for a literary career, which I thought myself capable of even then. I even cheated on Jane Russo with a woman who claimed to know the woman who was then head of the New York State Teacher's Union. "Here's a woman with the right connections," I thought to myself.======== Straight sex, in the missionary position, with me on top of the woman, was all I desired. It was only when I was alone, without a sexual partner, that I desire alternate forms of sexuality - those not approved by the military code - and these perverse dreams and wishes disappeared with the introduction of the Risperdal anti-psychotic something which, to me, lent credence to Alfred Adler's theory of physiological inferiority as being the origin of psychological inferiority, for the truth is, I truly became a man for the first time after my exposure of this anti-psychotic drug, not Zyprexa (which did not make me feel good) but Risperidone. Secondary sexual characteristics appeared to be more fully developed in me after I was on Risperdal for several months, for instance my scrotum descended more fully, my testicles were mow hanging like a pair of balls should instead of being what they previously were, which is tighter, wrapped close to me body. That's a suitable was to describe the changes I noticed, I think. Moreover, in general I witnessed my body mature one last stage to which there was previously an obstacle barring the way; my body fleshed out and there was significant weight gain; I was no longer a "wimpus Wimpissimus." In a similar way, this anti-psychotic helped me sleep through the night and helped me be awake through the way, rather than be in a dream-state both day and night as well.======= When I told these thing to Dr. Charles he beamed approvingly, but after I told him I was concerned about my thoughts of bringing a gun into NYC, he changed his tune: "You're obsessing," he said, and double the amount of Risperdal I took to 4 mg per day, which had the effect of banishing these thoughts and helping think clearer in general. I once asked a question in an online chat forum as to why Risperdal helps me think more clearly and I received the following response from a user who went by the handle of "Tweety Bird" that, based on her knowledge of the effectiveness of anti-psychotic drugs and in her twenty years of experience as a psych nurse, that we do know how Risperdal works, because it's an antipsychotic and its mechanism is to block dopamine and serotonin 5-HT2 brain receptors. Most medications used in psychiatry to treat schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders, she said, work by inhibiting dopaminergic activity. It's thought that it's hyper-activation of the ventral tegmental area and dorsal striatum regions that cause the positive symptoms of schizophrenia which include altered thinking. Serotonin is one of the neurotransmitters that affects mood. When serotonin 5-HT2 receptors are blocked, this maintains mood stability. Mood often affects thinking, which is why, she concluded, that Risperidone make me think more clearly.======= Debra being on the pill, I did not have to use condom, which I thought I could not use, my only experience being with the Trojans brand, which caused me to lose my erection, besides, I wanted to fall in love and, more importantly, have the women fall in love with me and to this point, I considered that only by riding "bareback" could you give and receive pleasure. What's more, I wanted to become an expert "cocksman", able to regulate my seminal flow through mental power alone. I considered myself quite successful at this method, too, as Ilana Novak and Mary Riccardi never had a pregnancy and I had slept with each of them scores of times. Perhaps, also, that was why I gravitated to older women, women who do not want to have children; but it appears that all women, even Annie, too, want children, and feel guilty for keeping a man for themselves who they feel ought to be raising a family [relate incident].======= The night Judy Frank made me take care of her dog, Rex -- I was deeply in love, in spite of her telling me to snap out of it, like Cher tells Nichoas Cage in the movie "Moonstruck." - It was perhaps another psychic perturbation.======= "Use your words, Steven," Annie said to me, when we were in bed at my place. I could never make my feelings known to her -- I couldn't do anything, for I realized I was in love with Mary Riccardi.======= Annie and I drove to Allentown, Pennsylvania to put her dogs in a kennel that she approved of when she went to San Francisco on business.======= "Who said you could do that?" she asked me, which was not very seductive, to say the least. I wondered if she was the kind of woman who could accuse a man of rape in a hotel room she had paid for. Needless to say, it took much of my enthusiasm away.======== In my senior year at Bard, two women came to my room in the last week during the grace period which occurs after finals were over and before commencement. One was a woman who I could not tell if she was from America or Europe, which kind of fits the image of the Bard College student. The other was Maxine Brown, a cute black girl (she was only a sophomore) who I had flirted with in a Creative Writing class. They both wanted to party, although not at the same time. They came to my door on two succeeding days. But I did not do anything with them, for I was "in love" with Debra Mandlebaum. Looking back, I'd say here was an opportunity squandered, for me to get "even" with Debra, who had already had two lovers, and I refused the pair who would have made me feel that I had the same amount of experience, was on the same level, I felt, as she. I fooled around with both of them, I even took all of Maxine's clothes off to admire her supply body, but I did not make love to her, as she said she was a virgin, and I always felt reluctant being a woman's first lover. To me, it wasn't what her parents would have wanted, and so I chose not to lead her to a pathway to sexual freedom of my own volition. "Let someone else show her the way," I said to myself.======= I did not see Maxine again until 2003. Before I met Annie Armstrong, I managed to become "Friends" with Maxine thru Facebook, and we contacted each other once again. We were excited to re-introduce ourselves; she was working at the Metropolitan Museum of Art as an administrator and had an apartment in Queens. I picked her up at the museum one day in the summer of 2003, she was ensconced in one of the office-rooms immediately prior to the display of Greek and Roman statuary on the first level.======= Also, I knew a Charlene Zuck from Chalmette, Louisiana, which made Ivar and Irene look askance at me when they found out about her. "Where'd out met her?" he asked me. That made me wonder what kind of women were from that part of Louisiana? However, Charlene had an apartment in Brooklyn Heights, where, Ivar said, the comedian Bill Cosby had once lived, that was long before he was was ultimately convicted and disgraced in a rape trial last year.======= Why are there so many transgenders today? Recollection of a young girl saying at the age of five that she was a boy by the name of "Gill". What is unconscionable is that several teachers have been fired from their jobs for using a pronoun that did not sit well with the transgender child's linguistic preferences. Truly, society has turned upside-down! These children grown into adults who expect a world that does not exist (write it out)======= Do people ever ask you for "metaphysical" information and what do you say to them in response? Such things as, heaven, God, the afterlife, Jesus, etc. I think it's true, judging from the conversations I've had with Jacob Goldfarb, my childhood friend who bcame a rabbi. After not hearing much from him in the last several years he suddenly moved east to my state, along with his husband, a black man named Larry Tower.======= Growing up - Heidegger's philosophy paved the way for Dungeons & Dragons - a society of individuals as monads - pleasure in solitude - internal activities, computer games=======