Dialogue II
BUZZ!!!
Durwood Eldridge: Good morning, Andrew.
Andrew: good morning
Durwood Eldridge: My father and I did end up going to the fair yesterday and I played poker for about an hour and lost $60.
Andrew: ok, are you happy now ?
Durwood Eldridge: Actually, yes. The limits were quite high, 5/10, so I did well. But I've realized what an inexperienced, frankly bad poker player I am in the bricks and mortar sense.
Andrew: ok, i'm glad you had a good time at the fair
Durwood Eldridge: How did your day go? (I'm sorry I didn't chat with you when I got back but I was so tired I went straight to bed.)
Andrew: my head hurt yesterday, so i went to bed at 4 pm
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, no. Is it better now?
Andrew: yes, it feel fine now
Durwood Eldridge: Do you know what caused the pain?
Andrew: no, i don't
Andrew: but im going to the neurologist on sept 16th
Andrew: my mother is taking me
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, it's definitely something to talk to the neurologist about. Be specific about the location and nature of the pain and how intense it was and in what way it interfered with your activities.
Durwood Eldridge: You never know whch of those details could be important.
Andrew: ok, thank you
Andrew: im not sure if the pain went away because of the tylenol or the risperdal
Andrew: probably the tylenol
Durwood Eldridge: I would make notes about it. If you want me to stand by while you make some notes I'm happy to. People tend to forget details over two weeks.
Andrew: no, thats fine
Andrew: do you think it is possible that the voice i heard was Nietzsche's voice ?
Durwood Eldridge: What voice did you hear and when?
Andrew: when i was growing up
Durwood Eldridge: I don't know, Andrew. It's one of those gray areas. Some people say those voices are hallucinatory, others think they are spirits, others thing something else yet. Your doctors are very likely to consider them hallucinatory.
Andrew: probably
Durwood Eldridge: I can't say whose voice it was because I didn't hear it, and even if I did there are no recordings of Nietzsche's voice to compare it to.
Andrew: when i was very young i had a playroom in the basement of the house where i lived and i recall being instructed in philosophy down there
Andrew: my voices
Durwood Eldridge: Instructed in philosophy?
Andrew: by voices
Andrew: yes, taught in the manner that Aristotle teaches things
Durwood Eldridge: Did you ever mention this to anyone?
Andrew: no, only to you
Durwood Eldridge: You mean you've never mentioned this to anyone before?
Andrew: no, i haven't
Durwood Eldridge: I'm honoured. When did the voices stop?
Andrew: i dont know for certain
Andrew: but my mother remembers that before i went to bed i used to have to write down what i was going to think about at night
Andrew: i called it "My Thinkings"
Durwood Eldridge: Do you still have those notebooks?
Andrew: no, i dont
Durwood Eldridge: What happened to them?
Andrew: were talking about when i was a pre-teen
Durwood Eldridge: Yeah, but how come you didn't save the notebooks?
Andrew: they were just scraps of paper
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, okay. I kept notebooks in my late teens but later destroyed everything.
Andrew: ok, interesting
Andrew: i did a lot of writing after my head injury but i threw out most of those notebooks, too
Durwood Eldridge: Why did you throw them out?
Andrew: too painful
Durwood Eldridge: Mine were just no longer relevant to who I am. And there wasn't much meat in them, anyway
Andrew: ok
Andrew: its all on the path to our becoming anyhow
Andrew: Now playing: Bob Dylan, "What Can I Do For You?"
Durwood Eldridge: Dylan can give me some ideas on what to do today.
Andrew: i dont care how rough the road is / show me where it stops
Durwood Eldridge: That part of the lyrics?
Andrew: yes
Durwood Eldridge: Well, it definitely isn't true for me. For over ten years I've been wishing the road would stop, and it hasn't yet.
Andrew: the road never stops, i think
Durwood Eldridge: What a horrible thought. I'm very much a mortalist now. I *want* death to be the end of everything, because everything is so useless.Andrew: dont look at it that way
Andrew: I know all about poison, I know all about fiery darts,I don't care how rough the road is, show me where it starts,Whatever pleases You, tell it to my heart.Well, I don't deserve it but I sure did make it through.What can I do for You?
Andrew: thats the correct lyrics
Andrew: Soon as a man is born, you know the sparks begin to fly,He gets wise in his own eyes and he's made to believe a lie.Who would deliver him from the death he's bound to die?Well, You've done it all and there's no more anyone can pretend to do.What can I do for You?
Durwood Eldridge: I just googled "mortalist" and it's a long-standing Christian heresy. Have to come up with a new term for my philosophical position
Andrew: Pulled me out of bondage and You made me renewed inside,Filled up a hunger that had always been denied,Opened up a door no man can shut and You opened it up so wideAnd You've chosen me to be among the few.What can I do for You?
Andrew: you have to be on guard of cynicism
Durwood Eldridge: why?
Andrew: it could turn into nihilism
Durwood Eldridge: unlikely. I'm just not motivated enough.
Andrew: ok, do you have amotivation ?
Andrew: you went to the fair yesterday, so you got motivated for that
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, but it was a mirage. I thought I was a decent poker player. Online I am, but in person I suck.
Andrew: so stay online, it removes the unknown human element
Andrew: brb - more coffee
Durwood Eldridge: All right. Once I feel the desire to play poker again, I'll go back to online play. brb myself
Andrew: im back
Durwood Eldridge: I'm back too.
Andrew: ok, great
Andrew: have you been investigating my blogs ?
Andrew: im thinking of putting Postmodern Christianity on my Lit blog
Durwood Eldridge: What's postmodern christianity?
Andrew: even though im embarassed of it
Andrew: i had a dream about a golden book and its title was Postmodern Christianity
Andrew: this was in 1994 or 1995
Andrew: when i was at Bard College
Andrew: so i went to a religion professor and i told him about the dream
Andrew: and he noted that a person named John Smith had a similar dream in similar parts - upstate New York
Andrew: and it was the Book of Mormon
Durwood Eldridge: You're not kidding. The guy's name really was John Smith?
Andrew: so he allowed me to do an independent study to write as much of the book as i could
Andrew: yes, i think that was his name
Durwood Eldridge: poor bastard
Andrew: yes, a common name
Durwood Eldridge: every time he gives his name nobody believes him.
Andrew: yes, right
Durwood Eldridge: I'm going to Wiki the name John Smith to see what I get. one sec
Andrew: Joseph Smith was his nameAndrew: Joseph Smith, Jr. (December 23, 1805 – June 27, 1844) was the founder of the Latter Day Saint movement, also known as Mormonism, and an important religious and political figure in the United States during the 1830s and 1840s. In 1827, Smith began to gather a religious following after announcing that he had discovered and was translating a set of golden plates describing a visit by Jesus to the indigenous peoples of the Americas, which he published in 1830 as the Book of Mormon. Smith also organized a denomination of restorationist Christianity, began preparing a new Bible translation, and directed followers to the western outpost of Jackson County, Missouri, where he planned to establish a Latter Day Saint utopian society.
Andrew: John Smith is "everyman"
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, I know about the mormon Joseph Smith.
Durwood Eldridge: Ya, but there's also a list of about 80 guys who have been called John Smith
Andrew: yes, i even knew one growing up
Durwood Eldridge: The most interesting is the main character of _The Dead Zone_
Andrew: oh was he John Smith too ?
Durwood Eldridge: Johnny Smith
Andrew: ok
Durwood Eldridge: I never met a John Smith. But I did go to high school with a Chris Jones
Andrew: The Book of Mormon is one of the sacred texts among the churches in the Latter Day Saint movement. It was first published in March 1830 as The Book of Mormon: An Account Written by the Hand of Mormon upon Plates Taken from the Plates of Nephi by Joseph Smith, Junior, author and proprietor. Adherents believe that Joseph Smith, Jr. translated it from from an otherwise unknown language called Reformed Egyptian written on golden plates that Joseph Smith discovered in 1823. Smith claimed that the Golden Plates had been buried in a hill near his home in Manchester, New York, and was directed to their location by the Angel Moroni.
Durwood Eldridge: Lol there's an angel named Moroni? I thought that was a character from _Johnny Dangerously). In the end he was deported to Sweden even though he claimed he wasn't from there
Andrew: At 17 years of age Joseph Smith Jr. said that an angel of God, named Moroni, appeared to him and told him that a collection of ancient writings, engraved on golden plates by ancient prophets, was buried in a nearby hill called Cumorah in Wayne County, New York. This ancient record is believed to describe a people whom God had led from Jerusalem to the Western Hemisphere 600 years before Jesus’ birth. Moroni was the last prophet among these people and had buried the record, which God had promised to bring forth in the latter days. Smith called the language written on the golden plates Reformed Egyptian. Smith stated that he was instructed by Moroni to meet at the hill annually each September 22 to receive further instructions and that four years after the initial visit he was allowed
Durwood Eldridge: Typical delusions of grandeur cultist, except this one founded a religion
Andrew: ok, i am supposed to have the same delusions
Durwood Eldridge: What, of being directed by an angel named Moroni to go back to a hill every september 22nd?
Andrew: well, it wasnt that well developed, but yeah
Durwood Eldridge: So what have you done about it?
Andrew: i wrote what i could until my health changed after 9/11
Durwood Eldridge: Do you still have those writings, or are those the books you referred to earlier that you threw out?
Andrew: i consider the writings on my blog to be more valuable
Andrew: and more mature
Andrew: the blog with my book on conrad and woolf
Durwood Eldridge: I agree. be very wary of delusions of grandeur. It's the worst of our species who give in to them.
Andrew: well, thats not an option now that i am on antipsychotic medication
Andrew: i only have the ambition to watch tv - not to change the world with a book or novel
Durwood Eldridge: Antipsychotics are not a cure. They're a treatment, and a lifelong ongoing treatment at that.
Andrew: yes, but they have diminished my creativity - and the pleasure i get from creating new works
Durwood Eldridge: They do have that effect. I haven't written anything at all in a few years.
Andrew: they have made me satisfied - the same way i feel in regard to women and sex
Durwood Eldridge: Wish they'd do the same for me. I find myself mostly bored.
Durwood Eldridge: Life has always dragged for me. I just never noticed before.
Andrew: life does not drag for me - im excited about music
Andrew: i consider it a privilege to listen to music
Durwood Eldridge: Lol we're not done witih Gustav yet, and Hanna hasn't made landfall, and they're already talking about Ike
Andrew: ok, i dont remember them coming in threes before
Durwood Eldridge: These are weird times, weather-wise.
Durwood Eldridge: Or, to quote William Strunk, "Soulwise, these are trying times."
Andrew: yesterday i was playing Bartok and Pablo Casals' Bach cello concertos
Andrew: and lying in bed listening to that great music
Durwood Eldridge: Bach cello concertos? Oughta be nice.
Andrew: Pablo Casals and Rudolf Serkin - a magnificent pair
Durwood Eldridge: When were they recorded?
Andrew: and someone sent me an email asking me to recommend 5 Chet Baker CDs to buy
Andrew: i was elated
Andrew: irecorded in the 1960s ?
Durwood Eldridge: Remastered?
Andrew: im not sure
Durwood Eldridge: You can usually tell by the sound quality.
Andrew: the sound is very good
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, no, they're going to keep the space shuttle fleet operational beyond 2010
Durwood Eldridge: And there's literally no wind here--"winds calm 0 kph"
Andrew: why is that a bad thing ?
Durwood Eldridge: Because it increases the chance of breakdowns. All the space shuttles are now at least 20 years old
Andrew: ok
Durwood Eldridge: brb--water
Andrew: ok
Andrew: its going to be 87 degrees here today
Durwood Eldridge: about the same here. We'll probably get the remnants of Hanna, tho, since it's making landfall in georgia or virginia
Andrew: ok, i am surprised it will be so warm by you
Durwood Eldridge: I'm not. the weather is cuckoo now. There ain't no such thing as normal where the weather is concerned any more.
Andrew: do you think the purpose of the space shuttle is to control the weather ?
Andrew: i wonder what you will say to that ?
Durwood Eldridge: No, I don't.
Andrew: what do you think the purpose of the space shuttle flights is ?
Durwood Eldridge: These days, mostly to deliver stuff to the space station. Sometimes to launch satellites.
Andrew: ok, dont say i didnt tell you
Andrew: i had a dream about the space shuttle crashing over Maui
Durwood Eldridge: Not funny if it happens. I remember when Challenger crashed in 1986
Andrew: yes, so do i
Andrew: but my dream was related to me by the archangel Gabriel
Durwood Eldridge: delusions of grandeur again
Andrew: thanks
Durwood Eldridge: I doubt the archangels bother with guys like you and me
Andrew: sure they do. normal people like you and me - thats who changes the world, typical bourgeois people
Andrew: like Rousseau
Durwood Eldridge: I'm not a typical bourgeois. I'm a welfare bum who lives with his parents
Durwood Eldridge: If anything I'm below the underclass
Durwood Eldridge: Just one step above homelessness
Andrew: ok, a typical consumer
Andrew: i will give you that title
Durwood Eldridge: Nope. Most consumers have jobs, spouses, kids, own houses, drive SUVs.
Andrew: ok, so your not a consumer either ?
Durwood Eldridge: Not really.
Andrew: you watch tv and use technology to communicate
Durwood Eldridge: What I am, really, is a turnip. I just happen to be masquerading as a person.
Andrew: you shouldnt be so down on yourself
Durwood Eldridge: It's realism.
Andrew: not when it gives you a poor picture of yourself - you should look on the bright side
Andrew: my friend Bill always says, "At least we're not in jail....."
Durwood Eldridge: My picture of myself is poor only because it _is_ realistic, Andrew. when I die the earth will close over everything I ever was, and it'll be like I never existed. Which is just the way I want it. It's my form of protest against the futility of existence
Andrew: ok
Andrew: there are other ways of looking at things - ways that may be more profitable in the present state of affairs
Andrew: for the condition we find ourselves in now
Durwood Eldridge: Feel free to look at things any way you like. Hmm, wonder why I'm not sleepy yet. It's a first.
Andrew: were you up at 3 am again ?
Durwood Eldridge: Close to it. Had some kind of weird dream that woke me up early.
Durwood Eldridge: I think my body is getting ready for the psychiatrist appointment, which is at 9:30 a.m. Thursday.
Durwood Eldridge: Maybe the psychiatrist will put me into a day program so I can hang out with some local people who aren't boozers
Andrew: a day program - like day care ?
Durwood Eldridge: I don't know if that's what it's called here. And I don't know the details of what it's like. But so far, the only local people I know just drink pig-swill beer all day. Not my scene.Andrew: no, stay away from that scene, you're right to keep your distance
Durwood Eldridge: When I went out with them a couple of nights ago they acted like little kids.
Andrew: oh, you have those feelings too ?
Andrew: i thought i was the only one
Durwood Eldridge: What feelings do you mean? That other people are childish?
Andrew: yes
Durwood Eldridge: Very much so.
Andrew: when i was at the party the other day - i was affronted by what the other people were talking about
Andrew: Alicia and I were discussing things about life
Andrew: other people were being very shallow
Durwood Eldridge: talking about other people? Remember what Oscar Wilde said.
Andrew: no, what did he say again ?
Durwood Eldridge: "Great people talk about ideas. Good people talk about things. Mediocre people talk about other people."
Andrew: yes, hes right
Andrew: but remember what George Washington said
Durwood Eldridge: You notice I don't talk about other people much. Wilde's statement stuck with me.
Andrew: I am a soldier so that my son might become a farmer so that his son might become a philosopher
Andrew: we occupy the social stratum our conditions fit us into - a bit of an economic determinist
Durwood Eldridge: I like this one by George Bernard Shaw: "In a stupid nation the man of genius is like God: everybody worshps him and nobody does his will."
Andrew: thats what it means to me
Andrew: well, the man of genius does not exist anymore, i think
Durwood Eldridge: They do, but they've learned to keep a low profile. It's the shebangers who control everything now, and they resent competition
Andrew: i like expression shebangers - but i dont know what it means
Durwood Eldridge: Neither do I. I just used the word for no particular reason.
Andrew: i think the musicians of the 1960s were a kind of renaissance that will be studied for ages
Durwood Eldridge: Possibly. I don't know enough about music to say. But I like some of their stuff.
Andrew: ok, im glad that you agree
Durwood Eldridge: brb--coffee
Andrew: ok
Andrew: Emil Cioran - thats the philosopher for you !
Andrew: hes Romanian and very dark - he would appeal to you mightily
Andrew: Pessimism characterizes all of his works, which many critics trace back to events of his childhood (in 1935 his mother is reputed to have told him that if she had known he was going to be so unhappy she would have aborted him). However, Cioran's pessimism (in fact, his skepticism, even nihilism) remains both inexhaustible and, in its own particular manner, joyful; it is not the sort of pessimism which can be traced back to simple origins, single origins themselves being questionable. When Cioran's mother spoke to him of abortion, he confessed that it did not disturb him, but made an extraordinary impression which led to an insight about the nature of existence ("I'm simply an accident. Why take it all so seriously?" is what he later said in reference to the incident).Andrew:
His works often depict an atmosphere of torment and torture, states that Cioran experienced, and came to be dominated by lyricism often prone to expressing violent feelings. The books he wrote in Romanian are best identified with this characteristic. Preoccupied with the problem of death and suffering, he was attracted to the idea of suicide, believing it to be an idea that could help one go on living, an idea which he fully explored in On the Heights of Despair. The theme of human alienation, the most prominent existentialist theme, presented by Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, is thus formulated, in 1932, by young Cioran: "Is it possible that existence is our exile and nothingness our home?"
Andrew: Cioran’s works encompass many other themes as well: original sin, the tragic sense of history, the end of civilization, the refusal of consolidation through faith, the obsession with the absolute, life as an expression of man's metaphysical exile, etc. He was a thinker passionate about history; widely reading the writers that were associated with the period of "decadent". One of these writers was Oswald Spengler who influenced Cioran's political philosophy in that he offered Gnostic reflections on the destiny of man and civilization. According to Cioran, as long as man has kept in touch with his origins and hasn't cut himself off from himself, he has resisted decadence. Today, he is on his way to his own destruction through self-objectification, impeccable production and reproduction...
Andrew: excess of self-analysis and transparency, and artificial triumph.Andrew: Regarding God, Cioran has noted that "without Bach, God would be a complete second rate figure" and that "Bach's music is the only argument proving the creation of the Universe can not be regarded a complete failure". (wikipedia)
Andrew: "Is it possible that existence is our exile and nothingness our home?" - words you echoes earlier in this chat session
Andrew: echoed
Andrew: brb-phone
Durwood Eldridge: back. had to make the coffee
Andrew: im back
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, so am I.
Andrew: what do you think of Cioran ?
Durwood Eldridge: I don't know. I'll have to find some of his books and read at least one.
Andrew: ok, maybe you will find a kindred spirit
Durwood Eldridge: What's his full name again?
Andrew: Emil Cioran (April 8, 1911 – June 20, 1995) was a Romanian philosopher and essayist.
Durwood Eldridge: one sec
Andrew: ok
Andrew: did you wikipedia him ?
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, I did. give me a sec
Andrew: another thinker who admired Hitler
Andrew: like Celine and Hamsun
Durwood Eldridge: The book that seems most interesting is _On the Heights of Despair_, which hasn't been translated into English yet.
Andrew: i find it hard to believe that it has not been translated
Durwood Eldridge: That's what wiki says. Reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend in high school. I said: "You have to face death?" He said: "And then what? What happens after you've faced death?" I had no answer and still don't. The answer is that _nothing_ happens.
Andrew: Cioran has an answer for you
Durwood Eldridge: I have a feeling I'm being co-opted, but I'll give it a shot
Andrew: good, i'm glad
Durwood Eldridge: Figured you would be.
Andrew: i found something that you're interested in
Durwood Eldridge: what?
Andrew: Cioran
Andrew: right now i am thrilling to the passion in Bob Dylan's singing
Andrew: im listening to a CD I made of his concert in Portland OR 1980
Durwood Eldridge: I looked up cioran at Chapters Indigo, the major Canadian new book chain. All they have is used books in french
Andrew: oh too bad
Durwood Eldridge: Tsk tsk. Did you record it illegally?
Andrew: try amazon ?
Andrew: yes, i did
Durwood Eldridge: Shame on you, stealing the great man's music
Durwood Eldridge: Just kidding
Andrew: well, he refuses to release a live album from his Jesus period
Durwood Eldridge: So the recording you have is not commercially available?
Andrew: right
Durwood Eldridge: Ah. Then I guess it isn't quite theft. Sorry
Andrew: well, you can buy commercially released studio versions of these songs - which i have done
Andrew: but the live versions have so much passion that they are worth having, too
Durwood Eldridge: (Lol there is now a $60 *municipal* fee to renew your licence plate sticker in Toronto.)
Andrew: and the bob dylan concert download site makes this available to me
Durwood Eldridge: (Fucking greedy-guts don't stop at anything to rake in the cash.)
Durwood Eldridge: And Dylan hasn't tried to shut the site down?
Andrew: i just got a bill to renew my registration - $47 down the tubes
Durwood Eldridge: Why bother if you don't drive?
Andrew: i have a car and i may have to use it someday
Andrew: the site says if you are acting on the authority of bob dylan and you object to any of this content being up here, please contact me and i will remove it
Andrew: a few things have been removed - maked DO NOT SHARE
Andrew: maybe that means they will be released commercially one day ? who knows ?
Durwood Eldridge: Who knows? But it's good that the person who runs the site is being respectful towards Dylan.
Andrew: yes, it ensures that the site is not going to be shut down
Andrew: i just want it to stay up until i get some more blank discs for christmas and then i will make several more recordings
Durwood Eldridge: Can't you just download the music to your hard drive and make the recordings later?
Andrew: rapidshare says the free downloads will only stay active for 90 days
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, okay. Are there paid downloads too?
Andrew: yes
Durwood Eldridge: These pay royalties to Dylan, I assume.
Andrew: no, they do not
Durwood Eldridge: I'm surprised he'd let people make money off his music without asking for a cut.
Andrew: yes, for some reason this stuff is available - im surprised this is available
Durwood Eldridge: Andrew, i need a break from chat. Will you be on later?
Andrew: yes - i have to take a break tooAndrew: i enjoyed chatting with you
Durwood Eldridge: okay, ttyl
Andrew: ttyl
Durwood Eldridge: Good morning, Andrew.
Andrew: good morning
Durwood Eldridge: My father and I did end up going to the fair yesterday and I played poker for about an hour and lost $60.
Andrew: ok, are you happy now ?
Durwood Eldridge: Actually, yes. The limits were quite high, 5/10, so I did well. But I've realized what an inexperienced, frankly bad poker player I am in the bricks and mortar sense.
Andrew: ok, i'm glad you had a good time at the fair
Durwood Eldridge: How did your day go? (I'm sorry I didn't chat with you when I got back but I was so tired I went straight to bed.)
Andrew: my head hurt yesterday, so i went to bed at 4 pm
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, no. Is it better now?
Andrew: yes, it feel fine now
Durwood Eldridge: Do you know what caused the pain?
Andrew: no, i don't
Andrew: but im going to the neurologist on sept 16th
Andrew: my mother is taking me
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, it's definitely something to talk to the neurologist about. Be specific about the location and nature of the pain and how intense it was and in what way it interfered with your activities.
Durwood Eldridge: You never know whch of those details could be important.
Andrew: ok, thank you
Andrew: im not sure if the pain went away because of the tylenol or the risperdal
Andrew: probably the tylenol
Durwood Eldridge: I would make notes about it. If you want me to stand by while you make some notes I'm happy to. People tend to forget details over two weeks.
Andrew: no, thats fine
Andrew: do you think it is possible that the voice i heard was Nietzsche's voice ?
Durwood Eldridge: What voice did you hear and when?
Andrew: when i was growing up
Durwood Eldridge: I don't know, Andrew. It's one of those gray areas. Some people say those voices are hallucinatory, others think they are spirits, others thing something else yet. Your doctors are very likely to consider them hallucinatory.
Andrew: probably
Durwood Eldridge: I can't say whose voice it was because I didn't hear it, and even if I did there are no recordings of Nietzsche's voice to compare it to.
Andrew: when i was very young i had a playroom in the basement of the house where i lived and i recall being instructed in philosophy down there
Andrew: my voices
Durwood Eldridge: Instructed in philosophy?
Andrew: by voices
Andrew: yes, taught in the manner that Aristotle teaches things
Durwood Eldridge: Did you ever mention this to anyone?
Andrew: no, only to you
Durwood Eldridge: You mean you've never mentioned this to anyone before?
Andrew: no, i haven't
Durwood Eldridge: I'm honoured. When did the voices stop?
Andrew: i dont know for certain
Andrew: but my mother remembers that before i went to bed i used to have to write down what i was going to think about at night
Andrew: i called it "My Thinkings"
Durwood Eldridge: Do you still have those notebooks?
Andrew: no, i dont
Durwood Eldridge: What happened to them?
Andrew: were talking about when i was a pre-teen
Durwood Eldridge: Yeah, but how come you didn't save the notebooks?
Andrew: they were just scraps of paper
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, okay. I kept notebooks in my late teens but later destroyed everything.
Andrew: ok, interesting
Andrew: i did a lot of writing after my head injury but i threw out most of those notebooks, too
Durwood Eldridge: Why did you throw them out?
Andrew: too painful
Durwood Eldridge: Mine were just no longer relevant to who I am. And there wasn't much meat in them, anyway
Andrew: ok
Andrew: its all on the path to our becoming anyhow
Andrew: Now playing: Bob Dylan, "What Can I Do For You?"
Durwood Eldridge: Dylan can give me some ideas on what to do today.
Andrew: i dont care how rough the road is / show me where it stops
Durwood Eldridge: That part of the lyrics?
Andrew: yes
Durwood Eldridge: Well, it definitely isn't true for me. For over ten years I've been wishing the road would stop, and it hasn't yet.
Andrew: the road never stops, i think
Durwood Eldridge: What a horrible thought. I'm very much a mortalist now. I *want* death to be the end of everything, because everything is so useless.Andrew: dont look at it that way
Andrew: I know all about poison, I know all about fiery darts,I don't care how rough the road is, show me where it starts,Whatever pleases You, tell it to my heart.Well, I don't deserve it but I sure did make it through.What can I do for You?
Andrew: thats the correct lyrics
Andrew: Soon as a man is born, you know the sparks begin to fly,He gets wise in his own eyes and he's made to believe a lie.Who would deliver him from the death he's bound to die?Well, You've done it all and there's no more anyone can pretend to do.What can I do for You?
Durwood Eldridge: I just googled "mortalist" and it's a long-standing Christian heresy. Have to come up with a new term for my philosophical position
Andrew: Pulled me out of bondage and You made me renewed inside,Filled up a hunger that had always been denied,Opened up a door no man can shut and You opened it up so wideAnd You've chosen me to be among the few.What can I do for You?
Andrew: you have to be on guard of cynicism
Durwood Eldridge: why?
Andrew: it could turn into nihilism
Durwood Eldridge: unlikely. I'm just not motivated enough.
Andrew: ok, do you have amotivation ?
Andrew: you went to the fair yesterday, so you got motivated for that
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, but it was a mirage. I thought I was a decent poker player. Online I am, but in person I suck.
Andrew: so stay online, it removes the unknown human element
Andrew: brb - more coffee
Durwood Eldridge: All right. Once I feel the desire to play poker again, I'll go back to online play. brb myself
Andrew: im back
Durwood Eldridge: I'm back too.
Andrew: ok, great
Andrew: have you been investigating my blogs ?
Andrew: im thinking of putting Postmodern Christianity on my Lit blog
Durwood Eldridge: What's postmodern christianity?
Andrew: even though im embarassed of it
Andrew: i had a dream about a golden book and its title was Postmodern Christianity
Andrew: this was in 1994 or 1995
Andrew: when i was at Bard College
Andrew: so i went to a religion professor and i told him about the dream
Andrew: and he noted that a person named John Smith had a similar dream in similar parts - upstate New York
Andrew: and it was the Book of Mormon
Durwood Eldridge: You're not kidding. The guy's name really was John Smith?
Andrew: so he allowed me to do an independent study to write as much of the book as i could
Andrew: yes, i think that was his name
Durwood Eldridge: poor bastard
Andrew: yes, a common name
Durwood Eldridge: every time he gives his name nobody believes him.
Andrew: yes, right
Durwood Eldridge: I'm going to Wiki the name John Smith to see what I get. one sec
Andrew: Joseph Smith was his nameAndrew: Joseph Smith, Jr. (December 23, 1805 – June 27, 1844) was the founder of the Latter Day Saint movement, also known as Mormonism, and an important religious and political figure in the United States during the 1830s and 1840s. In 1827, Smith began to gather a religious following after announcing that he had discovered and was translating a set of golden plates describing a visit by Jesus to the indigenous peoples of the Americas, which he published in 1830 as the Book of Mormon. Smith also organized a denomination of restorationist Christianity, began preparing a new Bible translation, and directed followers to the western outpost of Jackson County, Missouri, where he planned to establish a Latter Day Saint utopian society.
Andrew: John Smith is "everyman"
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, I know about the mormon Joseph Smith.
Durwood Eldridge: Ya, but there's also a list of about 80 guys who have been called John Smith
Andrew: yes, i even knew one growing up
Durwood Eldridge: The most interesting is the main character of _The Dead Zone_
Andrew: oh was he John Smith too ?
Durwood Eldridge: Johnny Smith
Andrew: ok
Durwood Eldridge: I never met a John Smith. But I did go to high school with a Chris Jones
Andrew: The Book of Mormon is one of the sacred texts among the churches in the Latter Day Saint movement. It was first published in March 1830 as The Book of Mormon: An Account Written by the Hand of Mormon upon Plates Taken from the Plates of Nephi by Joseph Smith, Junior, author and proprietor. Adherents believe that Joseph Smith, Jr. translated it from from an otherwise unknown language called Reformed Egyptian written on golden plates that Joseph Smith discovered in 1823. Smith claimed that the Golden Plates had been buried in a hill near his home in Manchester, New York, and was directed to their location by the Angel Moroni.
Durwood Eldridge: Lol there's an angel named Moroni? I thought that was a character from _Johnny Dangerously). In the end he was deported to Sweden even though he claimed he wasn't from there
Andrew: At 17 years of age Joseph Smith Jr. said that an angel of God, named Moroni, appeared to him and told him that a collection of ancient writings, engraved on golden plates by ancient prophets, was buried in a nearby hill called Cumorah in Wayne County, New York. This ancient record is believed to describe a people whom God had led from Jerusalem to the Western Hemisphere 600 years before Jesus’ birth. Moroni was the last prophet among these people and had buried the record, which God had promised to bring forth in the latter days. Smith called the language written on the golden plates Reformed Egyptian. Smith stated that he was instructed by Moroni to meet at the hill annually each September 22 to receive further instructions and that four years after the initial visit he was allowed
Durwood Eldridge: Typical delusions of grandeur cultist, except this one founded a religion
Andrew: ok, i am supposed to have the same delusions
Durwood Eldridge: What, of being directed by an angel named Moroni to go back to a hill every september 22nd?
Andrew: well, it wasnt that well developed, but yeah
Durwood Eldridge: So what have you done about it?
Andrew: i wrote what i could until my health changed after 9/11
Durwood Eldridge: Do you still have those writings, or are those the books you referred to earlier that you threw out?
Andrew: i consider the writings on my blog to be more valuable
Andrew: and more mature
Andrew: the blog with my book on conrad and woolf
Durwood Eldridge: I agree. be very wary of delusions of grandeur. It's the worst of our species who give in to them.
Andrew: well, thats not an option now that i am on antipsychotic medication
Andrew: i only have the ambition to watch tv - not to change the world with a book or novel
Durwood Eldridge: Antipsychotics are not a cure. They're a treatment, and a lifelong ongoing treatment at that.
Andrew: yes, but they have diminished my creativity - and the pleasure i get from creating new works
Durwood Eldridge: They do have that effect. I haven't written anything at all in a few years.
Andrew: they have made me satisfied - the same way i feel in regard to women and sex
Durwood Eldridge: Wish they'd do the same for me. I find myself mostly bored.
Durwood Eldridge: Life has always dragged for me. I just never noticed before.
Andrew: life does not drag for me - im excited about music
Andrew: i consider it a privilege to listen to music
Durwood Eldridge: Lol we're not done witih Gustav yet, and Hanna hasn't made landfall, and they're already talking about Ike
Andrew: ok, i dont remember them coming in threes before
Durwood Eldridge: These are weird times, weather-wise.
Durwood Eldridge: Or, to quote William Strunk, "Soulwise, these are trying times."
Andrew: yesterday i was playing Bartok and Pablo Casals' Bach cello concertos
Andrew: and lying in bed listening to that great music
Durwood Eldridge: Bach cello concertos? Oughta be nice.
Andrew: Pablo Casals and Rudolf Serkin - a magnificent pair
Durwood Eldridge: When were they recorded?
Andrew: and someone sent me an email asking me to recommend 5 Chet Baker CDs to buy
Andrew: i was elated
Andrew: irecorded in the 1960s ?
Durwood Eldridge: Remastered?
Andrew: im not sure
Durwood Eldridge: You can usually tell by the sound quality.
Andrew: the sound is very good
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, no, they're going to keep the space shuttle fleet operational beyond 2010
Durwood Eldridge: And there's literally no wind here--"winds calm 0 kph"
Andrew: why is that a bad thing ?
Durwood Eldridge: Because it increases the chance of breakdowns. All the space shuttles are now at least 20 years old
Andrew: ok
Durwood Eldridge: brb--water
Andrew: ok
Andrew: its going to be 87 degrees here today
Durwood Eldridge: about the same here. We'll probably get the remnants of Hanna, tho, since it's making landfall in georgia or virginia
Andrew: ok, i am surprised it will be so warm by you
Durwood Eldridge: I'm not. the weather is cuckoo now. There ain't no such thing as normal where the weather is concerned any more.
Andrew: do you think the purpose of the space shuttle is to control the weather ?
Andrew: i wonder what you will say to that ?
Durwood Eldridge: No, I don't.
Andrew: what do you think the purpose of the space shuttle flights is ?
Durwood Eldridge: These days, mostly to deliver stuff to the space station. Sometimes to launch satellites.
Andrew: ok, dont say i didnt tell you
Andrew: i had a dream about the space shuttle crashing over Maui
Durwood Eldridge: Not funny if it happens. I remember when Challenger crashed in 1986
Andrew: yes, so do i
Andrew: but my dream was related to me by the archangel Gabriel
Durwood Eldridge: delusions of grandeur again
Andrew: thanks
Durwood Eldridge: I doubt the archangels bother with guys like you and me
Andrew: sure they do. normal people like you and me - thats who changes the world, typical bourgeois people
Andrew: like Rousseau
Durwood Eldridge: I'm not a typical bourgeois. I'm a welfare bum who lives with his parents
Durwood Eldridge: If anything I'm below the underclass
Durwood Eldridge: Just one step above homelessness
Andrew: ok, a typical consumer
Andrew: i will give you that title
Durwood Eldridge: Nope. Most consumers have jobs, spouses, kids, own houses, drive SUVs.
Andrew: ok, so your not a consumer either ?
Durwood Eldridge: Not really.
Andrew: you watch tv and use technology to communicate
Durwood Eldridge: What I am, really, is a turnip. I just happen to be masquerading as a person.
Andrew: you shouldnt be so down on yourself
Durwood Eldridge: It's realism.
Andrew: not when it gives you a poor picture of yourself - you should look on the bright side
Andrew: my friend Bill always says, "At least we're not in jail....."
Durwood Eldridge: My picture of myself is poor only because it _is_ realistic, Andrew. when I die the earth will close over everything I ever was, and it'll be like I never existed. Which is just the way I want it. It's my form of protest against the futility of existence
Andrew: ok
Andrew: there are other ways of looking at things - ways that may be more profitable in the present state of affairs
Andrew: for the condition we find ourselves in now
Durwood Eldridge: Feel free to look at things any way you like. Hmm, wonder why I'm not sleepy yet. It's a first.
Andrew: were you up at 3 am again ?
Durwood Eldridge: Close to it. Had some kind of weird dream that woke me up early.
Durwood Eldridge: I think my body is getting ready for the psychiatrist appointment, which is at 9:30 a.m. Thursday.
Durwood Eldridge: Maybe the psychiatrist will put me into a day program so I can hang out with some local people who aren't boozers
Andrew: a day program - like day care ?
Durwood Eldridge: I don't know if that's what it's called here. And I don't know the details of what it's like. But so far, the only local people I know just drink pig-swill beer all day. Not my scene.Andrew: no, stay away from that scene, you're right to keep your distance
Durwood Eldridge: When I went out with them a couple of nights ago they acted like little kids.
Andrew: oh, you have those feelings too ?
Andrew: i thought i was the only one
Durwood Eldridge: What feelings do you mean? That other people are childish?
Andrew: yes
Durwood Eldridge: Very much so.
Andrew: when i was at the party the other day - i was affronted by what the other people were talking about
Andrew: Alicia and I were discussing things about life
Andrew: other people were being very shallow
Durwood Eldridge: talking about other people? Remember what Oscar Wilde said.
Andrew: no, what did he say again ?
Durwood Eldridge: "Great people talk about ideas. Good people talk about things. Mediocre people talk about other people."
Andrew: yes, hes right
Andrew: but remember what George Washington said
Durwood Eldridge: You notice I don't talk about other people much. Wilde's statement stuck with me.
Andrew: I am a soldier so that my son might become a farmer so that his son might become a philosopher
Andrew: we occupy the social stratum our conditions fit us into - a bit of an economic determinist
Durwood Eldridge: I like this one by George Bernard Shaw: "In a stupid nation the man of genius is like God: everybody worshps him and nobody does his will."
Andrew: thats what it means to me
Andrew: well, the man of genius does not exist anymore, i think
Durwood Eldridge: They do, but they've learned to keep a low profile. It's the shebangers who control everything now, and they resent competition
Andrew: i like expression shebangers - but i dont know what it means
Durwood Eldridge: Neither do I. I just used the word for no particular reason.
Andrew: i think the musicians of the 1960s were a kind of renaissance that will be studied for ages
Durwood Eldridge: Possibly. I don't know enough about music to say. But I like some of their stuff.
Andrew: ok, im glad that you agree
Durwood Eldridge: brb--coffee
Andrew: ok
Andrew: Emil Cioran - thats the philosopher for you !
Andrew: hes Romanian and very dark - he would appeal to you mightily
Andrew: Pessimism characterizes all of his works, which many critics trace back to events of his childhood (in 1935 his mother is reputed to have told him that if she had known he was going to be so unhappy she would have aborted him). However, Cioran's pessimism (in fact, his skepticism, even nihilism) remains both inexhaustible and, in its own particular manner, joyful; it is not the sort of pessimism which can be traced back to simple origins, single origins themselves being questionable. When Cioran's mother spoke to him of abortion, he confessed that it did not disturb him, but made an extraordinary impression which led to an insight about the nature of existence ("I'm simply an accident. Why take it all so seriously?" is what he later said in reference to the incident).Andrew:
His works often depict an atmosphere of torment and torture, states that Cioran experienced, and came to be dominated by lyricism often prone to expressing violent feelings. The books he wrote in Romanian are best identified with this characteristic. Preoccupied with the problem of death and suffering, he was attracted to the idea of suicide, believing it to be an idea that could help one go on living, an idea which he fully explored in On the Heights of Despair. The theme of human alienation, the most prominent existentialist theme, presented by Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, is thus formulated, in 1932, by young Cioran: "Is it possible that existence is our exile and nothingness our home?"
Andrew: Cioran’s works encompass many other themes as well: original sin, the tragic sense of history, the end of civilization, the refusal of consolidation through faith, the obsession with the absolute, life as an expression of man's metaphysical exile, etc. He was a thinker passionate about history; widely reading the writers that were associated with the period of "decadent". One of these writers was Oswald Spengler who influenced Cioran's political philosophy in that he offered Gnostic reflections on the destiny of man and civilization. According to Cioran, as long as man has kept in touch with his origins and hasn't cut himself off from himself, he has resisted decadence. Today, he is on his way to his own destruction through self-objectification, impeccable production and reproduction...
Andrew: excess of self-analysis and transparency, and artificial triumph.Andrew: Regarding God, Cioran has noted that "without Bach, God would be a complete second rate figure" and that "Bach's music is the only argument proving the creation of the Universe can not be regarded a complete failure". (wikipedia)
Andrew: "Is it possible that existence is our exile and nothingness our home?" - words you echoes earlier in this chat session
Andrew: echoed
Andrew: brb-phone
Durwood Eldridge: back. had to make the coffee
Andrew: im back
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, so am I.
Andrew: what do you think of Cioran ?
Durwood Eldridge: I don't know. I'll have to find some of his books and read at least one.
Andrew: ok, maybe you will find a kindred spirit
Durwood Eldridge: What's his full name again?
Andrew: Emil Cioran (April 8, 1911 – June 20, 1995) was a Romanian philosopher and essayist.
Durwood Eldridge: one sec
Andrew: ok
Andrew: did you wikipedia him ?
Durwood Eldridge: Yes, I did. give me a sec
Andrew: another thinker who admired Hitler
Andrew: like Celine and Hamsun
Durwood Eldridge: The book that seems most interesting is _On the Heights of Despair_, which hasn't been translated into English yet.
Andrew: i find it hard to believe that it has not been translated
Durwood Eldridge: That's what wiki says. Reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend in high school. I said: "You have to face death?" He said: "And then what? What happens after you've faced death?" I had no answer and still don't. The answer is that _nothing_ happens.
Andrew: Cioran has an answer for you
Durwood Eldridge: I have a feeling I'm being co-opted, but I'll give it a shot
Andrew: good, i'm glad
Durwood Eldridge: Figured you would be.
Andrew: i found something that you're interested in
Durwood Eldridge: what?
Andrew: Cioran
Andrew: right now i am thrilling to the passion in Bob Dylan's singing
Andrew: im listening to a CD I made of his concert in Portland OR 1980
Durwood Eldridge: I looked up cioran at Chapters Indigo, the major Canadian new book chain. All they have is used books in french
Andrew: oh too bad
Durwood Eldridge: Tsk tsk. Did you record it illegally?
Andrew: try amazon ?
Andrew: yes, i did
Durwood Eldridge: Shame on you, stealing the great man's music
Durwood Eldridge: Just kidding
Andrew: well, he refuses to release a live album from his Jesus period
Durwood Eldridge: So the recording you have is not commercially available?
Andrew: right
Durwood Eldridge: Ah. Then I guess it isn't quite theft. Sorry
Andrew: well, you can buy commercially released studio versions of these songs - which i have done
Andrew: but the live versions have so much passion that they are worth having, too
Durwood Eldridge: (Lol there is now a $60 *municipal* fee to renew your licence plate sticker in Toronto.)
Andrew: and the bob dylan concert download site makes this available to me
Durwood Eldridge: (Fucking greedy-guts don't stop at anything to rake in the cash.)
Durwood Eldridge: And Dylan hasn't tried to shut the site down?
Andrew: i just got a bill to renew my registration - $47 down the tubes
Durwood Eldridge: Why bother if you don't drive?
Andrew: i have a car and i may have to use it someday
Andrew: the site says if you are acting on the authority of bob dylan and you object to any of this content being up here, please contact me and i will remove it
Andrew: a few things have been removed - maked DO NOT SHARE
Andrew: maybe that means they will be released commercially one day ? who knows ?
Durwood Eldridge: Who knows? But it's good that the person who runs the site is being respectful towards Dylan.
Andrew: yes, it ensures that the site is not going to be shut down
Andrew: i just want it to stay up until i get some more blank discs for christmas and then i will make several more recordings
Durwood Eldridge: Can't you just download the music to your hard drive and make the recordings later?
Andrew: rapidshare says the free downloads will only stay active for 90 days
Durwood Eldridge: Oh, okay. Are there paid downloads too?
Andrew: yes
Durwood Eldridge: These pay royalties to Dylan, I assume.
Andrew: no, they do not
Durwood Eldridge: I'm surprised he'd let people make money off his music without asking for a cut.
Andrew: yes, for some reason this stuff is available - im surprised this is available
Durwood Eldridge: Andrew, i need a break from chat. Will you be on later?
Andrew: yes - i have to take a break tooAndrew: i enjoyed chatting with you
Durwood Eldridge: okay, ttyl
Andrew: ttyl
posted by Andrew B. Noselli at 3:19 PM
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